tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27373288636497473672024-03-13T06:36:09.754-07:00Movies I Don't Remembersynopses, from memory, of movies I only dimly rememberShort Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.comBlogger142125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-13946040049546370082011-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:002011-12-25T00:00:12.147-08:00A Miracle on 42nd Street (1947)*A little girl meets Santa Claus and everyone assumes he isn't really Santa Claus until a lot of people write a bunch of letters or something. Maybe they put Santa in jail? I think he rides a sleigh-float in a parade, and I'm like 90% sure the movie is in black-and-white.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-pjb2ljMuY0k/TYvPUCfDkTI/AAAAAAAADSw/DQkH2gQGHzg/s1600/miracle.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-pjb2ljMuY0k/TYvPUCfDkTI/AAAAAAAADSw/DQkH2gQGHzg/s320/miracle.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Santa in his civvies.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
* This movie is called <i>Miracle on 34th Street</i>. I was on the right island, at least.Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-47345464495887893092011-11-07T00:00:00.000-08:002013-10-07T00:14:18.249-07:00License to Kill (1989)This was, believe it or not, the first James Bond movie I ever saw. I think Benicio Del Toro might be in it, and I <i>swear</i> someone is killed by a supermarket-style sliding door. Or was it a revolving door? Either way: ridicularious.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XNBX4MGXL6E/TqXit4MrJSI/AAAAAAAADeo/BjtA9LYJtdQ/s1600/not+at+all+creepy.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XNBX4MGXL6E/TqXit4MrJSI/AAAAAAAADeo/BjtA9LYJtdQ/s320/not+at+all+creepy.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So I guess Bond has a pretty big <a href="http://alternate1985.blogspot.com/2008/10/sexytime.html">dick</a>, huh? Either that or<br />
it's so small that even <i>this</i> gun is overcompensation.<br />
Find out in... <i>007: The Motion of the Ocean</i>!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-86490448330433066012011-10-31T00:00:00.000-07:002011-10-31T00:00:00.202-07:00Halloween III (1982)A kid is happily playing with toys in one of those rooms with the one-way mirror (or are those called two-way mirrors?), wearing some kind of plush or fabric pumpkin-head mask that covers his entire head. Then a mad scientist pushes a button—no, he makes something come up on the television in the room with the kid (maybe by pushing a button, sure)—and a light on the mask blinks, the kid frantically clutches his head and pitches over, and the mask constricts and collapses to smaller than kid-head size, at which point cockroaches or beetles come pouring out of it. (Right: holy shit!) The evil scientists intend to broadcast that signal to televisions everywhere, having already distributed these masks all over the place; we see other happy children wearing these masks in television rooms around the country, ready to have their heads devoured by bugs or turned into bugs or whatever it is that happens. The end.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mRkC8uvl1EQ/TqWvMoAp5wI/AAAAAAAADeg/zyBR7ROWG9w/s1600/uh-oh.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mRkC8uvl1EQ/TqWvMoAp5wI/AAAAAAAADeg/zyBR7ROWG9w/s320/uh-oh.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Television is bad for kids.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div><i>[I think my memory of this movie may actually be quite clear and accurate; the real problem is that I saw only a few minutes of it. This was on TV, in the days before you could push a button (or at least check the Internet) to find out what show you were watching, so it was years and years and years before I knew what disturbing weirdness it had been that had scarred me in a small way at that late-'80s Halloween-night slumber party. And no wonder I couldn't figure out what movie it had been: who makes a third movie in a series that has nothing at all to do with the first two?! It would be like if </i>Iron Man 3<i> came out and instead of Iron Man it was about a group of mischievous street urchins who rob a candy store.]</i></div>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-53282939345587917292011-10-24T00:00:00.000-07:002011-10-24T11:24:39.909-07:00License to Drive (1988)Corey Haim borrows someone's car? And then he picks up some hot girl, but she gets drunk, or maybe she does drugs or has some kind of drug interaction, and she passes out? Maybe he puts her in the trunk? And then has a series of misadventures? I watched this on VHS when I was a kid and home sick* to the point of delirium, so I'm not sure I remembered it ten minutes after it was over. I think half of what I'm "remembering" now actually comes from <i>Adventures in Babysitting</i>, and the other half from "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince. (But maybe this movie <i>is</i> basically <i>Adventures in Babysitting</i> meets "Parents Just Don't Understand"...?)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vlZSfPQAkOw/TqT1g_Z0l-I/AAAAAAAADeU/5gBl2a6FNyw/s1600/both+Coreys.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="176" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vlZSfPQAkOw/TqT1g_Z0l-I/AAAAAAAADeU/5gBl2a6FNyw/s320/both+Coreys.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I want the veal scalopini! I want a good fetuccini alfredo!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
* ≠ homesickShort Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-10446088608766065512011-10-17T00:00:00.000-07:002011-10-17T00:19:21.540-07:00Scream 3 (2000)There's some suggestion in this one that shit may have just gone supernatural, the same way we jump from Jason's disgruntled mother to an undead Jason himself in the <i>Friday the 13th</i> movies: I remember Sidney (wait...that's her name, isn't it?) in like a fake haunted house where suddenly it appears that maybe the actual ghost of her mom is coming for her, under a sheet? But then it turns out no: no ghost. I think Sidney shoots somebody in the head on a stage at the end, but that might be in <i>Scream 2</i>.*<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pGmKkt_YPss/TpSy5jaR2xI/AAAAAAAADd4/KAHD5U-ZBiw/s1600/2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="201" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pGmKkt_YPss/TpSy5jaR2xI/AAAAAAAADd4/KAHD5U-ZBiw/s320/2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pretty sure this is from the opening scene of <i>Scream 2</i>, but it<br />
came up when I searched for <i>Scream 3</i> images, so fuck off.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
* BLOG-INAPPROPRIATE NOTE: I just recently rented <i>Scream 4</i>, and [SPOILER ALERT] isn't the whole movie basically just a not very good set-up for the actually relatively worthwhile final 20 minutes? What a character or two refer to as the "alternate ending" is way more interesting than everything leading up to it. I might be wrong about all this: I was half-asleep when I watched it (and also high on uranium).Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-58160869739919453802011-10-10T00:00:00.000-07:002011-10-10T00:00:03.876-07:00Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987)Steve Martin and John Candy get stuck going cross-country together (presumably via plane, train, and automobile). At one point they share a bed in a hotel and John Candy says he has his hands between two pillows and Steve Martin says, "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!" (Or, wait, probably it's Steve Martin who has his hands in John Candy's ass, right?) Also they stand holding suitcases, hitchhiking. I think both of the things I remember about this movie were in the trailer.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nJ2V1r506Hk/ToDSfYgyzCI/AAAAAAAADd0/x_a120hySYU/s1600/box.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="181" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nJ2V1r506Hk/ToDSfYgyzCI/AAAAAAAADd0/x_a120hySYU/s320/box.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Totally forgot they're transporting a 12-year-old Swedish vampire.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-5738903030706355882011-10-03T00:00:00.001-07:002011-10-03T00:00:02.000-07:00L.A. Story (1991)I've seen this movie twice, and the second time I'm pretty sure I liked it. AND YET...all I can remember is (1) people shooting at each other in a traffic jam, (2) Steve Martin talking to a sign that quotes Hamlet, (3) the "half-caf decaf triple-latte" order, however it went, (4) marital discord with the woman from the ABC sitcom <i>Taxi</i>, and (5) Sarah Jessica Parker as Rollergirl.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f0lTwNXmo6Y/TkmRZvsHQ0I/AAAAAAAADdc/F4el9KW9Z3Y/s1600/txt+bs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="174" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f0lTwNXmo6Y/TkmRZvsHQ0I/AAAAAAAADdc/F4el9KW9Z3Y/s320/txt+bs.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In the early '90s, only <i>signs</i> spoke this kind of pidgin English.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-23336460254761715062011-09-26T00:00:00.000-07:002011-09-26T01:20:26.083-07:00that Archie TV movie (1990)Did anybody see this one? It was to the Archie comics as <i>Hook</i> was to <i>Peter Pan</i>. (That was an SAT analogy for you—free of charge!) Archie and company come back to Riverdale for their 10-year high-school reunion (or 15-year, or 20-year, I don't know), and I think Archie may be married, with a kid who put Jell-O in his sheets. Or is it a stepson?—because I assume that Archie winds up with either Betty or Veronica, and I assume this isn't a story about marital infidelity. Or, who knows, maybe it is! I basically remember nothing other than the Jell-O. I think this thing was called <i>To Riverdale and Back Again</i> or something.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RzRxIK7HDZQ/TkmUhuSbGjI/AAAAAAAADdg/thlYmOAIc_4/s1600/beat+off.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RzRxIK7HDZQ/TkmUhuSbGjI/AAAAAAAADdg/thlYmOAIc_4/s1600/beat+off.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Couldn't find a decent movie still, so this'll have to do. (<a href="http://www.berkeleyplaceblog.com/2009/09/29/comic-book-movie-update/">via</a>)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-36505147498978992172011-09-19T00:00:00.000-07:002011-09-19T08:12:12.580-07:00Lawnmower Man (1992)I'm thinking a convicted murderer is executed in the electric chair—something like that—and winds up getting his evil soul uploaded into one of those early-'90s sci-fi misconceptions of what the Internet might be like? I think telephones and weird 3D <a href="http://www.moviesidontremember.com/2010/12/tron-1982.html">Tron</a>-like visualizations are involved. This is <a href="http://www.moviesidontremember.com/2011/07/children-of-corn-1984.html">yet another movie based on something Stephen King wrote</a>, and I think I remember that it sort of couldn't decide whether it was a <i>Nightmare on Elm Street</i>ish horror story or a <i><a href="http://www.moviesidontremember.com/2011/07/johnny-mnemonic-1995.html">Johnny Mnemonic</a></i>ky thriller. (Yes, <i>Johnny Mnemonic</i> postdates <i>Lawnmower Man</i>; I'm using "<i>Johnny Mnemonic</i>ky" as an adjective with its own independent existence, like "Kafkaesque" or "Yahoo Serious."*)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GJw1FqFyRTM/TmeyqmBn_dI/AAAAAAAADdk/c4q9uJywTo0/s1600/inspirational.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GJw1FqFyRTM/TmeyqmBn_dI/AAAAAAAADdk/c4q9uJywTo0/s320/inspirational.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What the Jesus? I think I sort of vaguely remember this. Does<br />
Lawnmower Man† say he <i>is</i> God, or is it like Mola Ram (whom<br />
he kind of looks like!) saying he was going to <i>conquer</i> God?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div>* E.g., "Shit's about to get Yahoo Serious up in here."<br />
† If I'm not mistaken, "Lawnmower Man"—<a href="http://www.snpp.com/episodes/7F13.html">like "Jaws," "Die Hard," and "Wall Street"</a>—is not in fact the name of the character.</div>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-17113009313081335932011-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:002011-09-17T13:47:15.360-07:00The Cradle Will Rock (1992)*Rebecca De Mornay is a nanny who it turns out is crazy and tries to kill Macauley Culkin. Or maybe it's just that Macaulay Culkin was in a similar movie around the same time.† I also sometimes get Rebecca De Mornay and Traci Lords confused. (Is this the movie with the literal cliffhanger at the end, or is it the one where an underage girl with a fake ID has unsimulated sex on camera for the masturbatory enjoyment of a country of perverts?)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZDBAJb4z-r8/TklgAjI4llI/AAAAAAAADdY/uwREcm2gGdA/s1600/hmm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="184" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZDBAJb4z-r8/TklgAjI4llI/AAAAAAAADdY/uwREcm2gGdA/s320/hmm.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still from <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Throat">Black Throat</a> </i>(1985).</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
* IMPORTANT NOTE: I was thinking of <i>The Hand That Rocks the Cradle</i>.<br />
† <i>The Good Son</i> (1993).Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-44388471998679155132011-09-05T00:00:00.000-07:002011-09-05T00:00:03.316-07:00Se7en (1995)Kevin Spacey (it turns out) is going around murdering people based on the seven deadly sins, like he makes this fat guy eat himself to death and does a horrible thing to a prostitute that I don't want to talk about. What else does he do? He puts Brad Pitt's wife's head in a box and gives it to him. (Brad Pitt—is that right?) You know when they refer to certain films as "torture porn"? I thought this movie was a kind of pornography, and I didn't like it. SORRY, SEEMINGLY EVERYBODY ELSE.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uRpILih3Ga0/TklekU_h3pI/AAAAAAAADdU/W_IJn9agDyo/s1600/huh.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uRpILih3Ga0/TklekU_h3pI/AAAAAAAADdU/W_IJn9agDyo/s1600/huh.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what comes up if you Google Image Search<br />
"se7en" (which is stupid, by the way—the word, not<br />
the result: a 7 does not look like a V, you jerks).</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-8157411400167225812011-08-29T00:00:00.000-07:002011-08-29T00:00:05.022-07:00Home Alone (1990)Macaulay Culkin gets left behind by his parents because they don't care about him, he's afraid of a pigeon man (the pigeon man might actually be from <i>Home Alone 2: Jason Takes Manhattan</i>), Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern try to rob his house, and he stops them with hilarious booby traps,* any one of which might easily have straight-up <i>killed</i> these two people. I guess I remember the entire story line (although, then again, I think all of what I just said might have been in the trailer). Christopher Columbus wrote <i><a href="http://www.alt85.com/2010/04/gremlins-81.html">Gremlins</a></i>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AQmTE7fXVYM/TiHNp2tiahI/AAAAAAAADbw/0s45gQy2iB0/s1600/ugh.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AQmTE7fXVYM/TiHNp2tiahI/AAAAAAAADbw/0s45gQy2iB0/s320/ugh.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why don't <i>all</i> movies star adorable hilarious children??<br />
(Oh, right—because we're trying to keep the suicide rate down.)</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
* That's what I said! Booby traps!Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-19928342628054876402011-08-22T00:00:00.000-07:002011-08-22T00:00:05.658-07:00The Opposite of Sex (1998)Christina Ricci goes to... Wait. I'm not sure about "goes to." It might actually be the case that the only thing I remember about this movie is "Christina Ricci." I'm confident about that part. Maybe at one point the boom comes into the frame and it's somehow "meta" and intentional?—and/or an embarrassing fuck-up that my friends and I noticed and couldn't believe? [It might be funny if I pretended to think that Christina Ricci gets <a href="https://twitter.com/#!/atrubens/status/86105167090552834">chained to a radiator</a> in every movie she does, but that's not really what this blog is about. <a href="http://www.moviesidontremember.com/p/about-this-blog.html">THIS SHIT IS REAL.</a>]<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6exxf83YnVk/TiHIhnXC1oI/AAAAAAAADbo/tgo8d590RFk/s1600/uh.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6exxf83YnVk/TiHIhnXC1oI/AAAAAAAADbo/tgo8d590RFk/s320/uh.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pretty much the only image that comes up if you Google this movie.<br />
The good news is, this might end up being almost as popular as<br />
<i>Porky's </i>with my accidental-Google-Image-pervert-click demographic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-13767727278039734112011-08-15T00:00:00.000-07:002011-08-15T00:00:08.773-07:00My Cousin Vinny (1992)Joe Pesci is a lawyer who represents "two yoots" in a criminal trial (car theft?), and Marisa Tomei is his hot girlfriend or sister or something who staggers around endearingly in high heels and a short dress. Is one of Joe Pesci's clients the Karate Kid? Probably it looks like they don't have a chance and then it turns out Pesci's seemingly ridiculous tactics are actually dark-horse brilliant. We might guess that the prosecutor is an asshole and is duly humiliated. Years later, Marisa Tomei is topless all over the place, and I am not trying to complain about that.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f37b1Z-fK9A/TiHLeD5PVEI/AAAAAAAADbs/7cICriYabdc/s1600/er.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="188" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f37b1Z-fK9A/TiHLeD5PVEI/AAAAAAAADbs/7cICriYabdc/s320/er.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Paint on a mustache and squint your eyes, and might this not<br />
look a little bit like The <a href="http://www.alt85.com/2011/01/appreciation-fest-pod-f-tompkast.html">Paul F. Tompkins</a> Show? FINALLY: A<br />
REFERENCE I CAN BE SURE EVERYONE WILL GET.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-41536980777434349412011-08-08T00:00:00.000-07:002011-08-08T00:00:04.935-07:00TV I Don't Remember: Shirt Tales (1982-1984)You know how some television shows for kids are pretty much just commercials for toys? (For example, I'm pretty sure the entire He-Man universe was created as a workaround for the fact that Mattel couldn't get the merchandising rights for <i>Conan the Barbarian</i>. That's not a joke I just made up: I'm pretty sure it's actually true!) Well, I Googled <i>Shirt Tales</i> a while back and found out that it started out not even as a line of toys but as a line of <i>greeting cards</i>. With origins like that, how could the show not be good?<br />
<br />
I remember that these were a bunch of knee- or waist-high talking animals wearing different-colored T-shirts that would all turn the same color (blue?) when they needed to...um... OK, I have no idea what was different when the T-shirts changed colors. I think it was set up like a superhero thing—or, you know, like the way Voltron would assemble and then kick ass—but I'm not sure anything actually <i>happened</i> when it happened: it really might have been all convention, no content. They had some kind of batmobile they'd drive out of their tree (because they lived in a tree), and they were maybe in a park or a zoo with a groundskeeper who was always trying to catch them and lived in a house with his family. There was a girl panda and a boy monkey (who talked like Humphrey Bogart, whom I first learned about via <i>Shirt Tales</i>). Maybe their batmobile flew? I'm pretty sure my parents hated this show. <i>Hated</i>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><c><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="330" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/L3FQGaqFJ7U" width="400"></iframe></c><br />
I'm sorry, <i>what's</i> that fucking possum's name?!<br />
Oh...<i>Digger</i>. OK.</div>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-77627714349037309572011-08-01T00:00:00.002-07:002011-08-01T00:00:13.453-07:00Patriot Games (1992)This might be the point at which Harrison Ford stopped being rakishly delightful and started getting all gruff and unhappy and "Get off my plane" about everything. In <i>this</i> movie he thwarts an IRA bombing and the IRA gets mad—maybe he kills somebody's brother—so they start stalking him at his beach house or something. I think maybe they drive after his wife on the highway in a Libyan terror-van ("Run for it, Marty!") and she gets in a car crash and Harrison Ford gets <i>pissed</i>. Or maybe that's when they go to the beach house? Like, Harrison Ford lures them there? That's all I got. [Oh, and this is kind of a <i><a href="http://www.moviesidontremember.com/2010/12/hunt-for-red-october-1990.html">Hunt for Red October</a></i> sequel.]<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jeQQHGK8oDU/TjRlSwFNRzI/AAAAAAAADcY/gQsOhXs8SfM/s1600/noooo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jeQQHGK8oDU/TjRlSwFNRzI/AAAAAAAADcY/gQsOhXs8SfM/s320/noooo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I am never gonna let you go! You hear me? Never!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-83977391115258230242011-07-31T23:59:00.000-07:002011-07-31T23:59:00.170-07:00[new new slogan]New slogan: <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e69138;">Now Only Once a Week!™</span></b>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-86792153292389038622011-07-28T00:00:00.001-07:002011-07-28T00:00:03.428-07:00Extract (2009)Jason Bateman?...gets dumped by someone, or has a bad marriage with someone, and gets involved with...Mila Kunis? (yes, Mila Kunis, because I remember seeing an interview with her where she said she had fake breasts for the movie and everybody treated her differently on set)...and they go to a motel and she steals his wallet and/or car. Something else happens with some lawsuit...<i>riiight</i>, some guy loses a testicle in an accident and is going to sue Jason Bateman; I'm pretty sure that's it. This is a Mike Judge movie and it basically<i> just</i> came out and I'm sorry I don't remember it. I'M SORRY, OK?<br />
<br />
In other news, Jason Bateman and Mila Kunis are in every movie. (<i>Yes</i> including <i>Schindler's List</i>.<i>)</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GOOSs8wOmWI/TeffgD5coJI/AAAAAAAADXQ/3JCUkTs3aIQ/s1600/ugh.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GOOSs8wOmWI/TeffgD5coJI/AAAAAAAADXQ/3JCUkTs3aIQ/s320/ugh.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, right...CGI smoke? That was dumb.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-80559881364521238042011-07-25T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-25T00:00:13.578-07:00Carrie (1976)Carrie has her period in the shower, she has an abusive religious lunatic for a mom ("They're all gonna laugh at you!"—right?), she has pig blood dumped on her at the prom, she telekinetically kills everyone, including her mom, with flying knives, and then she grabs some girl's ankle from her grave. But that last part's a dream. OR IS IT?<br />
<br />
<i>[NOTES: (1) It may be that I've actually successfully summarized the entire plot of the movie: this is another one that I can't see as being much longer than 20 minutes long. (2) When I saw the </i>Sex and the City 2<i> teaser poster, I honestly thought that it was for a </i>Carrie<i> sequel, but of course it wasn't. </i>OR WAS IT?<i>]</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PV0AZeAnQ8A/Thn53qyV79I/AAAAAAAADag/mm52hakF8Yw/s1600/yay%2521.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PV0AZeAnQ8A/Thn53qyV79I/AAAAAAAADag/mm52hakF8Yw/s320/yay%2521.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But, you know, in the end it's a pretty happy story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-40154947046162134692011-07-21T00:00:00.001-07:002011-07-21T08:43:52.222-07:00A Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)Some kind of skeleton (or rag doll) finds out that Santa Claus was kidnapped by a creepy pin cushion (or rag doll). I remember this movie being about as dark, subversive, and interesting as the doodles of a 12-year-old girl who recently learned that it's cool to wear black.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iGvW9UxK1_8/ThaTmb9gqLI/AAAAAAAADY8/o2hpN0Dijw8/s1600/ugh.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="197" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iGvW9UxK1_8/ThaTmb9gqLI/AAAAAAAADY8/o2hpN0Dijw8/s320/ugh.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, and it's a musical! Remember, kids: it can't be schmaltz<br />
or sentimentality if there's graveyard imagery in it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-6742748030422552062011-07-18T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-18T00:00:12.883-07:00Johnny Mnemonic (1995)Keanu Reeves has a microchip in his head that bad guys want, one of the bad guys has some kind of laser whip, and Henry Rollins helps Keanu out and then drives a tank or something. When <i>The Matrix</i> trailers started running, I was like, "What is this, <i>Johnny Mnemonic Too</i>?"<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jJ2Dxd-ir2M/ThaQBHR-gYI/AAAAAAAADYw/pV2vsCAc-G8/s1600/whoa.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jJ2Dxd-ir2M/ThaQBHR-gYI/AAAAAAAADYw/pV2vsCAc-G8/s320/whoa.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This movie is about the Internet. Hahahaha, Nineties.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-48951972419223667532011-07-14T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-14T00:00:06.831-07:00Transformers (2007)For some reason Bumblebee is not a Volkswagen beetle.* Shia LaBeouf buys Bullshit-Bumblebee, Megan Fox leans over the hood of a car in short shorts, and then Transformers start fighting. They fight on a highway, they fight in a city, they fight in a way that is impossible to tell which one is which—just a bunch of indistinguishable metal-colored CGI. John Turturro's a crazy general, Optimus Prime has a sword, and soldiers comport themselves with grace and nobility (because Michael Bay masturbates to Army recruiting commercials). This movie is one of the most disappointing-ever products of man.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yQvq9RM3uCQ/ThaNyo54EFI/AAAAAAAADYs/3LiChViD33U/s1600/fox.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="163" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yQvq9RM3uCQ/ThaNyo54EFI/AAAAAAAADYs/3LiChViD33U/s320/fox.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I remember this part pretty well.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
* This is very difficult for me to move beyond. It would be like making an X-Men movie in which Wolverine has baseball bats coming out of his hands [<a href="http://www.alt85.com/2009/05/toontown.html">see also</a>].Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-74464055614859981762011-07-11T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-11T00:00:09.942-07:00Children of the Corn (1984)Some kids in a farming town kill all their parents and then stand around like creepy American Gothic Babies. I think this happens under the opening credits. Then probably some attractive teenagers get lost there and the children of the corn kill most of them but one or two escape; this I'm more guessing than remembering. (I think Stephen King wrote this; of course, he wrote most movies, including <i>Stand By Me</i>, <i>The Running Man</i>, <i>The Shawshank Redemption</i>—this is all true!—and <i>Madea's Family Reunion</i>.)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wqWwuZyDMfA/ThaSRNEaK-I/AAAAAAAADY4/fbqBWO_evG8/s1600/cornboy.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="172" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wqWwuZyDMfA/ThaSRNEaK-I/AAAAAAAADY4/fbqBWO_evG8/s320/cornboy.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Looks like a nice boy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-69263675053160764092011-07-07T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-07T00:09:52.262-07:00The Anniversary Party (2001)Some guy looks like Peter Sellers, and I'm pretty sure that's the only part of the movie I liked. Jennifer Jason Leigh is pregnant...no, she tells Alan Cummings that she had an abortion without his knowing, and they yell at each other outside in the dark—Hollywood Hills? John C. Reilly tries to drown himself in the pool, maybe, and some actress I like swims naked (but I can't remember which). I know I felt like this was a movie by and for actors, and I wasn't too into it.<br />
<br />
<i>[Another thing I'm not too into: this post. I wrote it, like, a million years ago and keep postponing it in favor of newer ones I write. Time to just get it out of the way: fuck off, </i>Anniversary Party<i> post!]</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_x3jjE7RQdFc/TUi_etkdnCI/AAAAAAAADOs/pm2SclFP48w/s1600/panes.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_x3jjE7RQdFc/TUi_etkdnCI/AAAAAAAADOs/pm2SclFP48w/s320/panes.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's probably a function of the title, but it was very difficult to<br />
find photographic evidence of the existence of this film online.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2737328863649747367.post-71620839735930060122011-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-04T00:00:08.275-07:00Saving Private Ryan (1998)I remember thinking that this movie was like a weird sandwich with unbefuckinglievably amazing war scenes as the bread and a lot of boring stuff (in the sandwich metaphor, maybe dry slices of turkey?) in the middle. And then they wrapped the whole thing in treacle.<br />
<br />
Of course they're looking for this lost soldier, and Tom Hanks is the officer in charge. In the storming-the-beaches scene, somebody gets his leg blown off and then walks around carrying it for a second. In the other big battle scene, there's an amazingly long sequence in which a Nazi is trying to stab a Jew (and maybe actually ends up succeeding?). And Tom Hanks shoots a little gun at a tank and the tank actually blows up for some reason not actually having to do with the gun.<br />
<br />
Oh, and the insufferable "frame story" involves a girl with big breasts being respectful in a graveyard.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kEtlJE41KKM/TgE-kt36ODI/AAAAAAAADYg/6v8OcMc1M3s/s1600/bang+bang.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="181" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kEtlJE41KKM/TgE-kt36ODI/AAAAAAAADYg/6v8OcMc1M3s/s320/bang+bang.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What kind of inhuman monster would want to <a href="https://twitter.com/#!/atrubens/status/83332668955176960">punch this man</a>?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Short Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10316379024287889607noreply@blogger.com0