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Extract (2009)

Jason Bateman?...gets dumped by someone, or has a bad marriage with someone, and gets involved with...Mila Kunis? (yes, Mila Kunis, because I remember seeing an interview with her where she said she had fake breasts for the movie and everybody treated her differently on set)...and they go to a motel and she steals his wallet and/or car. Something else happens with some lawsuit...riiight, some guy loses a testicle in an accident and is going to sue Jason Bateman; I'm pretty sure that's it. This is a Mike Judge movie and it basically just came out and I'm sorry I don't remember it. I'M SORRY, OK?

In other news, Jason Bateman and Mila Kunis are in every movie. (Yes including Schindler's List.)

Oh, right...CGI smoke? That was dumb.

Carrie (1976)

Carrie has her period in the shower, she has an abusive religious lunatic for a mom ("They're all gonna laugh at you!"—right?), she has pig blood dumped on her at the prom, she telekinetically kills everyone, including her mom, with flying knives, and then she grabs some girl's ankle from her grave. But that last part's a dream. OR IS IT?

[NOTES: (1) It may be that I've actually successfully summarized the entire plot of the movie: this is another one that I can't see as being much longer than 20 minutes long. (2) When I saw the Sex and the City 2 teaser poster, I honestly thought that it was for a Carrie sequel, but of course it wasn't. OR WAS IT?]

But, you know, in the end it's a pretty happy story.

A Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Some kind of skeleton (or rag doll) finds out that Santa Claus was kidnapped by a creepy pin cushion (or rag doll). I remember this movie being about as dark, subversive, and interesting as the doodles of a 12-year-old girl who recently learned that it's cool to wear black.

Oh, and it's a musical! Remember, kids: it can't be schmaltz
or sentimentality if there's graveyard imagery in it.

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Keanu Reeves has a microchip in his head that bad guys want, one of the bad guys has some kind of laser whip, and Henry Rollins helps Keanu out and then drives a tank or something. When The Matrix trailers started running, I was like, "What is this, Johnny Mnemonic Too?"

This movie is about the Internet. Hahahaha, Nineties.

Transformers (2007)

For some reason Bumblebee is not a Volkswagen beetle.* Shia LaBeouf buys Bullshit-Bumblebee, Megan Fox leans over the hood of a car in short shorts, and then Transformers start fighting. They fight on a highway, they fight in a city, they fight in a way that is impossible to tell which one is which—just a bunch of indistinguishable metal-colored CGI. John Turturro's a crazy general, Optimus Prime has a sword, and soldiers comport themselves with grace and nobility (because Michael Bay masturbates to Army recruiting commercials). This movie is one of the most disappointing-ever products of man.

I remember this part pretty well.

* This is very difficult for me to move beyond. It would be like making an X-Men movie in which Wolverine has baseball bats coming out of his hands [see also].

Children of the Corn (1984)

Some kids in a farming town kill all their parents and then stand around like creepy American Gothic Babies. I think this happens under the opening credits. Then probably some attractive teenagers get lost there and the children of the corn kill most of them but one or two escape; this I'm more guessing than remembering. (I think Stephen King wrote this; of course, he wrote most movies, including Stand By Me, The Running Man, The Shawshank Redemption—this is all true!—and Madea's Family Reunion.)

Looks like a nice boy.