Movies I've Seen Only Parts Of: The Last Action Hero (1993)

In this Purple Rose of Cairo remake Charlie Kaufmanesque masterwork,* Arnold Schwarzenegger plays an Arnold Schwarzeneggy action hero, and some fucking kid goes into a wardrobe or something and finds himself in Arnold's fictional action-movie universe—after which I think he and Arnold and the main bad guy jump back to the real universe, where Arnold sees a cardboard life-size stand-up of himself in a video store and has feelings about it.

I remember watching much of this movie on TV, late one night in high school, alone—and keeping on watching it, waiting for it to turn a corner and get better—then ultimately giving up and feeling, painfully and acutely, that I had wasted part of my life. I'm not joking about this even a little: I went to bed feeling bad. What we have here is a memory of existential despair.

One-word review, then: "Nausea."

"If I were you, I'd run the rest of Gremlins 2 right now!"

* No.