that Archie TV movie (1990)

Did anybody see this one? It was to the Archie comics as Hook was to Peter Pan. (That was an SAT analogy for you—free of charge!) Archie and company come back to Riverdale for their 10-year high-school reunion (or 15-year, or 20-year, I don't know), and I think Archie may be married, with a kid who put Jell-O in his sheets. Or is it a stepson?—because I assume that Archie winds up with either Betty or Veronica, and I assume this isn't a story about marital infidelity. Or, who knows, maybe it is! I basically remember nothing other than the Jell-O. I think this thing was called To Riverdale and Back Again or something.

Couldn't find a decent movie still,  so this'll have to do. (via)

Lawnmower Man (1992)

I'm thinking a convicted murderer is executed in the electric chair—something like that—and winds up getting his evil soul uploaded into one of those early-'90s sci-fi misconceptions of what the Internet might be like? I think telephones and weird 3D Tron-like visualizations are involved. This is yet another movie based on something Stephen King wrote, and I think I remember that it sort of couldn't decide whether it was a Nightmare on Elm Streetish horror story or a Johnny Mnemonicky thriller. (Yes, Johnny Mnemonic postdates Lawnmower Man; I'm using "Johnny Mnemonicky" as an adjective with its own independent existence, like "Kafkaesque" or "Yahoo Serious."*)

What the Jesus? I think I sort of vaguely remember this. Does
Lawnmower Man† say he is God, or is it like Mola Ram (whom
he kind of looks like!) saying he was going to conquer God?

* E.g., "Shit's about to get Yahoo Serious up in here."
† If I'm not mistaken, "Lawnmower Man"—like "Jaws," "Die Hard," and "Wall Street"—is not in fact the name of the character.

The Cradle Will Rock (1992)*

Rebecca De Mornay is a nanny who it turns out is crazy and tries to kill Macauley Culkin. Or maybe it's just that Macaulay Culkin was in a similar movie around the same time.† I also sometimes get Rebecca De Mornay and Traci Lords confused. (Is this the movie with the literal cliffhanger at the end, or is it the one where an underage girl with a fake ID has unsimulated sex on camera for the masturbatory enjoyment of a country of perverts?)

Still from Black Throat (1985).

* IMPORTANT NOTE: I was thinking of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.
† The Good Son (1993).

Se7en (1995)

Kevin Spacey (it turns out) is going around murdering people based on the seven deadly sins, like he makes this fat guy eat himself to death and does a horrible thing to a prostitute that I don't want to talk about. What else does he do? He puts Brad Pitt's wife's head in a box and gives it to him. (Brad Pitt—is that right?) You know when they refer to certain films as "torture porn"? I thought this movie was a kind of pornography, and I didn't like it. SORRY, SEEMINGLY EVERYBODY ELSE.

This is what comes up if you Google Image Search
"se7en" (which is stupid, by the way—the word, not
the result: a 7 does not look like a V, you jerks).

Home Alone (1990)

Macaulay Culkin gets left behind by his parents because they don't care about him, he's afraid of a pigeon man (the pigeon man might actually be from Home Alone 2: Jason Takes Manhattan), Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern try to rob his house, and he stops them with hilarious booby traps,* any one of which might easily have straight-up killed these two people. I guess I remember the entire story line (although, then again, I think all of what I just said might have been in the trailer). Christopher Columbus wrote Gremlins.

Why don't all movies star adorable hilarious children??
(Oh, right—because we're trying to keep the suicide rate down.)

* That's what I said! Booby traps!

The Opposite of Sex (1998)

Christina Ricci goes to... Wait. I'm not sure about "goes to." It might actually be the case that the only thing I remember about this movie is "Christina Ricci." I'm confident about that part. Maybe at one point the boom comes into the frame and it's somehow "meta" and intentional?—and/or an embarrassing fuck-up that my friends and I noticed and couldn't believe? [It might be funny if I pretended to think that Christina Ricci gets chained to a radiator in every movie she does, but that's not really what this blog is about. THIS SHIT IS REAL.]

Pretty much the only image that comes up if you Google this movie.
The good news is, this might end up being almost as popular as
Porky's with my accidental-Google-Image-pervert-click demographic.

My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Joe Pesci is a lawyer who represents "two yoots" in a criminal trial (car theft?), and Marisa Tomei is his hot girlfriend or sister or something who staggers around endearingly in high heels and a short dress. Is one of Joe Pesci's clients the Karate Kid? Probably it looks like they don't have a chance and then it turns out Pesci's seemingly ridiculous tactics are actually dark-horse brilliant. We might guess that the prosecutor is an asshole and is duly humiliated. Years later, Marisa Tomei is topless all over the place, and I am not trying to complain about that.

Paint on a mustache and squint your eyes, and might this not
look a little bit like The Paul F. Tompkins Show? FINALLY: A
REFERENCE I CAN BE SURE EVERYONE WILL GET.