Read this first. [UPDATED]

An impressively inaccurate synopsis of Jurassic Park III gave me a good idea (or let's just say "an idea"), which I began to execute on another blog but have decided, after prodding from a morbidly obese friend, to move to its own space on this great wide Internet of ours (all of which, son, will someday be yours).

What you'll find here are my synopses—from memory—of movies that I haven't seen in decades and only dimly remember. [Oh, and the blog started getting kind of bad partway through, so you might want to start somewhere around here.]

IMPORTANT NOTE: I found the photographs after writing the text. In other words, I really did do this. I'm a professional, people.

Dr. Grant "and team"? No.
Return to check out raptors? No.
Helicopter crash? No.
Helicopter, at least?! No!!
Well done, Starz.