Thursday, April 28, 2011

Platoon (1986)

I think I remember Charlie Sheen in the mud. (Is that the image on the one-sheet, even? Am I just remembering the goddamned poster?!) Pretty sure somebody betrays somebody else. Oh, and of course it's Vietnam. Or Korea. I'm going to go with Vietnam.

Willem, no!!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Amistad (1997)

Slaves are horribly mistreated on a slave ship—I think maybe brought up on deck naked during a thunderstorm and thrown overboard?—and (a) what's being depicted is an atrocity and (b) I'm a dude and not gay, BUT, sorry, it was impossible not to marvel at the penises flopping around. Later, Anthony Hopkins looks at a flower in a glass bowl and then delivers an inspiring speech before an old-timey Supreme Court.

So: what I remember about Amistad—penises, flower, Supreme Court.

Hahahaha, McConaughey!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

new slogan

Movies I Don't Remember: Now Only Twice a Week!™

Friday, April 22, 2011

Jack (1996)

Jack is a little boy who isn't so little because he ages too fast: he's only like 10 years old or something and he's already played by Robin Williams. Peter Pan's son who also was Dick Tracy's sidekick might be Jack's friend.* It's sad for everyone because who can understand an old-looking kid? Plus he's probably going to die before too long. Maybe he even dies in the movie (but probably not). Is there a treehouse or something? I would watch this movie again if somebody paid me $50 to do it—cheap!

Maybe $100.

* Charlie Korsmo. Nope.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

TV I Don't Remember: The Maxx (1995)

One late night when I was in high school, MTV was showing a marathon of this, and either I missed part of it or the marathon was incomplete, and I was left with narrative blue balls. As far as I could tell—or rather as far as I can remember having been able to tell—there were at least two different realities, or levels of reality, both involving this spandexed alien or something, with like long pointy hands or elbows, who was sometimes a drunk in an alley or dumpster and sometimes was basically a superhero, and he helped some little girl or teenaged girl or some kind of girl, but basically everything was cosmically screwed up and nothing was certain. Essentially it feels like a crazy awesome dream I had and then couldn't get out of my head. This is something I actually think I have to watch and find out whether it's any good.

Illuminates nothing.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Major League (1989)

Charlie Sheen plays baseball and is a bit of a wild man! At one point he shaves some idiotic pattern into his hair—maybe he had that, changed it, and gets it back again later as a way of demonstrating that he's back in the saddle? (I might be remembering Major League 2.) I'm 95% sure that this is a comedy.

Glasses? No memory of this at all. Maybe I only saw Major League 2.
To be honest, I don't really care for sports.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Minority Report (2002)

Creepy bald naked people in amniotic fluid predict the future so Tom Cruise can arrest criminals before they've had the chance to commit a crime, but then the creepy bald naked people say he's going to commit a crime, so he has to jump on vertical elevator-trains and maybe pull out his own molars—although, no, that seems like I'm remembering Twelve Monkeys. Does he maybe do a home eye transplant? I think I saw this movie drunk with a friend of mine in her parents' house in Massachusetts and she got scared.

Oh, Samantha Morton! She was great in Sweet & Lowdown.*

* Woody Allen's last good movie. WHO WANTS TO FIGHT ME?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Wild Bunch (1969)

The only thing I remember about this movie is somebody getting shot and falling off a roof or out a window. Probably both of those things happen. (I feel guilty because I think this movie's supposed to be really good.)

Wow. Really?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Gosford Park (2001)

Oh my God, they're in some mansion in the English countryside, like with maids and butlers and shit, and I think someone gets murdered, and the hot schoolgirl from Trainspotting might be in it, and people talk confidentially in the kitchen. I think this movie was maybe actually pretty good, although I can't see how.

Oh, that actress. (Not even actually 100% sure this is from Gosford Park.
Found out while Googling it that it's Robert Altman! Would not have said that.)

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Last Boy Scout (1991)

Is this the movie in which Bruce Willis drives a car into a swimming pool? Then I think he says something cool and/or funny to a bad guy on a cell phone. Something sarcastic, letting the bad guy know that he (Bruce Willis) isn't dead yet? Or maybe he's just like, "I'm calling from the bottom of a pool?"* I'm spending a lot of time trying to remember this line because I don't remember anything else. What else is there? A football might be involved.

Football! Boo-ya!

* Yes! Sort of! "Hey, Milo. Where ya callin' from, the bottom of the pool?" (IMDb)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Movies I've Seen Only Parts Of: Grease (1978)

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta had a summer fling but now it's over because they're from different worlds. The boys and the girls discuss this separately but simultaneously. Then there's a car race, and she sluts up and wins his heart at an amusement park. Oh, and for the sake of completeness I should note that I know that it's of course a musical.

I think I like her nice-girl incarnation better. This one looks like Traci Lords in Cry-Baby.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Biloxi Blues (1988)

In this Brighton Beach Memoirs sequel, Matthew Broderick joins the army and is made fun of for writing in a diary, which eventually people read, and then they hate him for what he said about them. He loses his virginity to a nice prostitute. I think at one point somebody farts on a train.

Whoa, and the drill sergeant is Christopher Walken??

Friday, April 1, 2011

Ghostbusters (1984)*

Some scientists start a company where they catch ghosts, and for some reason they live in a firehouse. I know the ghosts slime people, and at some point there's a ghost in a refrigerator. Maybe a zombie drives a cab? Oh, and of course there's the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. Is he big like Godzilla and steps on a church?

Bill Murray's in this?!

* Check the date.